Have you ever loved someone so much that it hurt? Not physically, but it made your heart sick to be away from that person. After 6 years together you still get butterflies in your tummy when you see them. You still get excited to get to spend time with them? I have and I feel very fortunate to have experienced it and it scares me to death sometime when I am faced with the inevitable, the loss of that person. I have talked briefly about my hubby here before, but nothing in depth.
As I was ironing clothes last night for work and he was in the bathroom grooming himself in the mirror I had a horrifying thought. Horrifying thoughts seem to plague me more now that I am pregnant and extremely hormonal. Yesterday was especially bad for those thoughts. Anyway as I was ironing and talking to my husband a grim reality hit me, something that I try not to think about too often, but yet it creeeps in my mind still. My husband is a diabetic and has been since he was 11. He has battled with a malfunctioning pancreas most of his life. He will be 36 years old soon, which means that he has battled this dragon for 25 years. Diabetes is such a horrible disease that is completely controllable, but not curable. It is a silent dragon, it lays in wait, just waiting for the perfect time to strike. Of course you monitor your blood sugar and take the necessary amount of insulin to keep your body functioning, but it is busy doing it's damage undetected.
I wonder if my husband will be the one to lose his eye sight or a leg or his kidneys. Or worse yet, have a stroke or heart attack and never recover. I wonder if I will be a young widow of if we will have many more years together. I wonder if he will be here long enough to see his children graduate from high school and give his daughter away at her wedding. I try not to think about these things too often, I try to just enjoy our time together, but these things have plagued my thoughts lately. I do not discuss these things with my husband because as soon as he brings it up I turn into a bawling mess. He always says that he has been lucky so far and he is waiting for the other shoe to drop. The other shoe being a complication caused from this disease. I know it has to be a constant in his thoughts, yet he hardly ever speaks of it. When he does I just reassure him that I love him and I married him in sickness and in health and if the sickness comes I will be right by his side to get him through it.
4 comments:
You can't live your life worryin about what might be. Your and your husband's best strategy is to carefully watch the diet and exercise to keep him in optimum health, but you mustn't obsess over the worst that could happen, because then you can't enjoy the good stuff.
I feel entitled to lecture you in this way. Heck, I'm terminally ill and I'm not depressed. Every day - even on a bad one - I am grateful for my life and the love and joy in it.
I know your hormones have a lot to do with your heightened emotions. Kick them to the curb, and look forward to life with your growing family, with joyful anticipation.
Hang in there, kiddo.
What my wife Ellen says is very true. Sure things go through your mind, they do mine and everyone else's but life goes on and it's often too short to spend it fretting over things when instead you should be doing just what you are doing the best...loving each other and going for all you can. Sometimes I marvel at how strong Ellen is especially when I'm having one of my private moments, but then I take 1 look at her and realize just how much love we have for each other and things just seem all better.
Sunshine-
I understand what makes you think about these things..I too think about what I would do if I lost a loved one. I think we just have those days where we can't help but focus on it and I do think it is ok to think about that stuff, just bad if you start dwelling.....
He'll be around a long long time to enjoy his wife AND child :)
I've heard of people who "get stronger" for sake of their kids...
When I was pregnant with my last,I worried or thought about this all the time.People would tell me to "just not think about it",but I couldn't help it.So I understand completely.Big hugs!
Emily aka madmommy
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