Another sleepless night

I know that everyone is tired of hearing about my lack of sleep, but bear with me. I need to tell someone. I can handle things so much better when I have had a great night's sleep, which hasn't been happening lately. My mother-in-law is on vacation until tomorrow night so I had to take the afternoon off on Friday because I only had a sitter for the morning. Well today and tomorrow I am only working in the afternoons because I only have a sitter then. Great I think to myself, I can sleep until at least 7 today and tomorrow which is when my baby normally wakes up, then we will play and when he naps I will get ready for work. Well not the case. He decided just this past weekend that his new time that he wants to get up is 6am. Well that is not good for me, that one hour makes so much of a difference. Did he not get the memo that I did not have to get up that early? Oh yeah, he can't read and even if he could I have a feeling that he would not care.

He had a bad weekend. I don't know if it was his teething or late reaction to the shots on Wednesday or what. He was very clingy, whiny and basically just refused to nap until he just passed out from sheer exhaustion, which is so unlike him, he is usually such a great baby. My arms were numb from holding him and I got very little done in the way of house work because everytime I got out of his sight, he started wailing. I do not mind holding my child and cuddling him, but he doesn't want that, he wants you to hold him while he grabs any and everything that he can get his tiny little hands or feet on and he doesn't want to be sweet about it and let you sit down while you hold him. No sir, you must stand up, preferably in front of a TV playing his favorite Wiggles episodes and move back and forth. That is fine for a few minutes, but it is so tiring. Anyway I had to get ready this morning and I figured since he was awake so freaking early that he would take a nap at a decent time. So around 9 we went outside and sat in the swing and usually this puts him right to sleep. Well we swang and we swang. He got into every position that he could and he did everything to help himself stay awake. So around 9:30 I really needed to start getting myself together for work, so I put him in his exersaucer thingy and put him right in front of the bathroom door so he could hear me in the shower. I proceed to shower and he is fine at first. Then it starts, the whining, which eventually turns into wailing. VERY LOUD WAILING! I hurriedly wash my hair and jump out of the shower, wrap my towel around my dripping wet self and rush over to him. The way he was screaming I just knew that a big bear had somehow gotten into the house and must be chomping his leg off or something. Much to my surprise there was no bear, not even an ant biting him. Just screaming because he was tired I guess. SO I gave him his pacifier and tried to dry myself off so I could pick him up, but no he just kept on screaming this time louder. Still no tears, because he is not crying, just screaming. Anyway, by this time I was really starting to lose my mind. CAN"T I HAVE 30 MINUTES TO GET MYSELF READY FOR WORK WITHOUT HAVING TO PICK YOU UP AND HOLD YOU, I was thinking to myself. Then it happened, from out of no where, I SCREAMED TO THE TOP OF MY LUNGS. Just one big AARRHHHHHHH! It completely mortified my child and then he began to cry, real tears! I felt like crap. I had just gotten so frustrated! If he is so tired, why won't he just go to sleep, why must he scream for 30 minutes before he finally gives in to sleep? Anyway I quickly picked him up and rushed him into the den and turned on the freaking Wiggles and stood there in front of the TV for 30 minutes until he fell asleep. By the way he hushed after I picked him up and snuggled him to me. I cried while I held him watching the Wiggles. I feel so bad for losing my cool and screaming, but I am just so tired. I have been crying off and on since then. I don't think I am a good mommy. Good mommies don't scream at their babies, they patiently try different things until their baby is calm. I hope I have not traumatized my sweet little one. He was fine when he woke up from his 30 minute nap and he was fine when I left him with my mom to come to work. I pray everyday for patience, especially with him. I just feel like a horrible person!