Request to my co-workers

I can do this because none of them read this or even know what a blog is for that matter! Here are a few things that I wish I could say to them, but for obvious reasons I can't.

1. When you hover to pee, and I know who you are, PLEASE WIPE YOUR URINE OFF THE FREAKIN' SEAT. Nobody and I do mean nobody wants to sit in your piss. It is fine if you have a toilet seat phobia, although we other co-workers are the only ones using our restroom and our toilets do get cleaned regularly, yes even the toilet seats, by yours truly. Anyway PLEASE for the sake of everyone else either hold it or realize what a nasty mess you are making and clean it up. (This co-worker is also the first to point a finger at anyone else doing anything "nasty" or leaving a mess.)
2. When you heat something up in the microwave, DO NOT WALK AWAY FROM IT. I repeat, DO NOT WALK AWAY FROM IT. You are always burning something up in there and it makes the entire office smell for days. When whatever you are heating up gets all over the inside of the microwave, please wipe it out. DISGUSTING!
3. If you brush your hair in the bathroom for the love of all that is holy and good in this world, please get your hair off the sink. I cannot stand for there to be hair on the bathroom sink or floor for that matter.
4. Does your nose not work? Are you having sinus problems perhaps? Those shoes that you wear all the time make your feet smell like a pissed off skunk. They are funking the place up and I just want to vomit when I get close to you.
5. STOP CALLING ME TO TELL ME SHIT THAT I DO NOT CARE ABOUT. Just because I work with you, I don't want to know about EVERYTHING in your life. I am sorry that you have a yeast infection or whatever is making your private regions itch, but honestly I don't care.
6. If you see something somewhere that needs to be wiped off or looks dirty, take 2 seconds of your precious time and do it! Are you too good to pitch in and make our workplace a little cleaner or am I the only one who gives a damn?
7. The reason that you can't get anything done is because you spend entirely too much time on personal phone calls. Yeah, so don't complain at the end of the month when you have not met your goal. I bet if you would spend less time on the phone telling your family what you are doing after work and more time making business calls, you would be a lot closer to your goal. Just a suggestion.

That is all that I would like to tell them right now. Maybe it will make me feel better about them at least I have gotten it out of my system.