Wednesday, November 29, 2006
Fear
Can I be really honest with you all? Will you go ahead and promise not to judge me or leave me nasty comments. Try to remember if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all. Anyway since getting pregnant last year and going through 9 months of pregnancy. Most of the months being during the summer (since it is summer the better part of the year here) and having my baby last November I have had an awful fear, I actually have several fears, but the one that I am focusing on today is: the fear of getting pregnant again. Hubby and I have discussed it and honestly we do NOT want any more children. I have fairly crappy insurance so having the surgery to remedy that fear from ever coming true is out of the question, for now anyway. Hubby has no insurance so he isn't getting snipped either. I spend a greater part of every month hoping and praying that the birth control is working and that my period will be right on time. I also avoid sex and that is not me. So far we have been lucky. I read all sorts of stories about people who were breastfeeding taking the progeterone only pills getting pregnant and I feared that would happen to me. It may seem crazy to some especially since it took us being off the bc pills for a little more than 9 months to get pregnant, but it really scares me. So now I am back on regular birth control pills and as soon as they have a chance to get my cycle regular and stop this ovulation then maybe I can relax and enjoy the sex with my hubby again. I have tried talking to him about it, but he does not understand the real fear that I have. He doesn't want anymore children either, but I don't think he quite understands the deep roots that the fear has for me. It is like the fear of spiders to a person that has arachnaphobia. I am also back on the happy pills so hopefully one day soon that fear will be gone and I can find something else to worry about.
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10 comments:
I know how paralyzing fear can be, rational or not. The truth is, fear is controlling until you can take control of the fear. You are taking every precaution you can, and if it happens beyond your good measures, there is a reason God is placing that child in your life.
Your fear will subside some when your babe gets older and you are further from the trauma of pregnancy, birth and early infanthood. Not to say you'll be more interested in having another baby... if you're done, you're done. But I think the panicky sensation will fade. If you are taking all the precautions that's all you can do. Of course it's entirely possible that Hubby will find a job with insurance some day and then SNIP SNIP.
Honestly, if I thought it were at all possible for me to become pregnant again I might be just as scared as you. :-)
You are SERIOUSLY not alone!!!
I have a fear, too. I fear that I won't have anymore children. Is that odd? Since both my births were emergency Cesaereans, fourteen months apart, the last one being life threatening...you'd think I'd be scared to ever get pregnant again.
I can honestly say that I fear baby #2 will be my last. I know how you feel, but it's the opposite scenario for me.
I always thought that I'd be the type of person who wouldn't be upset about a surprise pregnancy with a baby but last month when I was a week late, I was FREAKING out. That goodness it came, but I obviously know now that I'm not one to want 2 under 2!
I'm there with you. I went through 2 years of trying and finally IVF worked for us. And while our chances are slim to none of getting pregnant naturally, I went on BCPS for the first time in my life (other than for IVF) because I am scared to death of getting pregnant again right now.
WE've joked that we wasted all those years on birth control when it wasn't going to happen naturally...but now I'm like "It would be my luck.."
I share the same fear as eatmisery...but would never blame you if you didn't want more children.
I think that's a completely rational fear. It's funny. I have the opposite fear, that Ella won't ever have a sibling, which is entirely possible given that we had to do IVF to have her.
I am sorry you are feeling so bad. I understand how you feel, really I do. After I got separated, the fear I had of raising my children by myself was overwhelming. And then when I did get "back out there", I was increasingly afraid of having sex because I was afraid of getting pregnant. I finally had my tubes tied.
I think you should have something done, and pay for it, so you don't feel this way anymore.
I will be thinking of you.
j.
not being a mother I guess I am confused, I understand you do not want anymore children,,,and that is ok--who is to say how many you are supposed to have I think ANY parent is a wonderful person just giving life to another human being. I just don't understnd what
the actual fear is?!?!?!?
Is it having a child you didn't plan to have? or not being able to support another? or just in general you fear pregnancy since you decided your adorable baby is just too perfect to try and duplicate?--that would be my answer for you!! :)
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