Guilt trippin'

I call my Granny (my mom's mother) every Tuesday on my way home from work. I have done this for YEARS. Sometimes depending on cell minutes left for the month or things that keep me out late after work I may have to call her on a day other than Tuesday or a little earlier, but anyway the point is I call her every week. She moved next door to us after my Dad died. She moved there to get out of the rat hole apartment she was living in and to be close to us and help my Mom out with us. I was 8, my sister was 11, my other sister was 16, the oldest sister was grown and moved out by then. We lived out in the country on land that my Granddaddy (my dad's dad) had deeded over to my Dad. We had lots of relatives living on the same road. A good many of my Dad's relatives lived there and still do.

I digress, bear with me. Hubby hates when I tell stories because you never know where we might end up and it might take a while to get there, but I swear it will be worth it, so keep that in mind as you read.

Where was I? Oh yes, my Granny. She is 80, she will be 81 on Christmas day. After she moved next door to us I moved in with her. I had always been close to my Granny, spending every weekend with her and most summers. Anytime I was sick I cried and begged my mom to take me to Granny's. She would give me medicine and bundle me up and put me under LOTS of blankets to sweat out the fever that was making me sick. GOD how I hated that as a child, but I know she did it because she loved me and was worried about me. Her moving next door was my invitation to live with her. She was a strict old lady, but I knew how to work my charm on her and get my way, most of the time. I was always her favorite grandchild! Then I turned into a bratty ass teenager who knew everything and wanted to do what I wanted to do and no old lady was gonna tell me any different. I moved back in with my Mom. Living with Mom meant freedom. My Mom was busy working and living her life to notice a lot of what I did, so that worked for me. I did not get away with everything and I got in trouble sometimes, but not as much as I would have with Granny.

Then I grew up and got married (the first time) and still Granny lived next door. She was the nosy neighbor shouting that your music was too loud or to shut your damn dogs up, they were getting on her nerves. She was also the loving Granny that she had always been, cooking something and bringing it over for you to eat. Looking after us when we were sick. Babysitting the kids for my sisters. Being there when they got off the bus and giving them a snack. She was just always there.

A couple of months ago my Mom decided that it was time for Granny to go into a nursing home. Granny has been losing her sight now for quite a while, she has macular degeneration. She can see some things, but not well enough to read or write. She has also gotten very forgetful in her older age. In her old age she has also gotten meaner and she will say ugly things to you and then not remember it later. She has not been able to drive for about 5 years now, which is a good thing since she can't see and all. Before all of this happened my Granny was on the go. She went to church everytime the doors were open. She went to the store, to visit friends and family, where ever she wanted to go she went. Since she stopped driving she has been stuck at home. We would all take her places sometimes, the store, church, etc. We moved 3 years ago, so she was not our neighbor anymore. It also meant that I was not there to sit and listen to her stories that I had heard 50 times already or to take her anywhere. I moved 45 minutes away.

My mom was still next door, but she has NO PATIENCE for Granny, her own mother. Mom would make sure that she got to church and her doctors appointments, but that was about where the going ended for Grannyand my mom. Mom works about 20 minutes from her home and once she would get home from work she did not want to take Granny back to town the 20 minutes or so it would take for her to get to the store. Mom started buying Granny's groceries and getting Granny's prescriptions filled so she would not have to endure shopping with the old lady. Shopping with someone who can't see is no fun, but still, my mom has no patience to even pretend like she enjoyed it. Things got pretty ugly in their relationship and the more Granny would forget things and be ugly about stuff, the more mom would want to put her somewhere. No matter what Mom did for Granny, it was never enough and it was always wrong!

After Mom decided to put Granny in a nursing home, Granny called everyone that she could think of to tell them of this injustice and beg them to come and save her from my EVIL mother. Her sister's kids came and got her and took her off to their merry little land about an hour or so from here. She has 2 sisters left and they both live there. One has alzheimers and has lost a foot due to bad circulation. That is the one that Granny is living with. Aunt S lives with her son, who works at the hospital at night and her daughter and son-in-law live next door. Aunt S had about 13 kids, so the ones that are still around and are able to help look after Aunt S and so far they are able to keep her at home.

When my Granny moved it really pissed me off. I vowed that I would NEVER go see her or take my son to see her as long as she was living down there. We all thought that she would be home in a month or so. Well she has been gone since June, I think, she has made it longer than anyone imagined. I miss her and I know she misses me, she tells me every Tuesday. So while I was talking to her yesterday she told me that she knew that she was not important enough for me to go and see her and that my mom never calls her because she does not love her. AAAHHHH the guilt! I don't want to have to go to Aunt S house to see her, depending on who is there, they smoke in the house and I just don't want my child around all that smoke. I don't want to have to smile and pretend to like those people that should have BUTTED THE HELL OUT OF OUR LIVES and let mom put Granny in the nursing home. If she was in the nursing home she would be about 10 minutes from my work and I could go and visit her in the afternoons and take the babe to see her, but NO, she had to go and move in with Aunt S. Anyway, I guess I will call my mom and plead with her to call Granny and just pretend that she loves her and cares about her. Then I guess I will plan a day trip to go and see her even though I really don't want to have to go THERE to see her. She reminds me quite often that she won't be here forever and I know I will regret it if I don't go see her. DAMN YOU GUILT!