White caps

Just a quick post to let you know that my sweet boy now has teeth. The bottom two are finally breaking through the skin. He just keeps rubbing his tongue and his fingers on them. I guess it must feel really strange to him. They came in just one week shy of his 7 month birthday.

I have to tell you it was so hard to come back to worh this morning after having 3 days at home with him and my hubby. We had such a nice weekend. Not much whining, nice long nap times. I wish every weekend could be that easy.

What a difference a day makes

24 little hours can make such a difference. I got a better night's sleep and can think more clearly today. It dawned on me on the way to work today that my sweet little boy's problem may be the new foods he has been trying. He has been eating rice cereal since he was 4 months old and we started stage 1 foods shortly after that. He has been doing fine on those things. Well a week or so ago I thought he might like Oatmeal, so I got him some. He gobbled it up at first. Since then he acts like he really doesn't like it, so I just do what any good mom would do. I mix it with a yummy fruit and he eats it. Maybe it is the Oatmeal that is making him cry and scream. Anyway I am going back to the foods that I know he can tolerate for a week and see how he acts. That should tell me whether or not it was something that we have been feeding him. I know it is not his fault that he hasn't been feeling well lately, but when I have done all that I can, I just don't know what else to do. I don't think he is scarred for life. He still loves me, and he is still my sweet little baby boy, even if he is having a bad time crying and screaming lately. Just another trial of motherhood.

Another sleepless night

I know that everyone is tired of hearing about my lack of sleep, but bear with me. I need to tell someone. I can handle things so much better when I have had a great night's sleep, which hasn't been happening lately. My mother-in-law is on vacation until tomorrow night so I had to take the afternoon off on Friday because I only had a sitter for the morning. Well today and tomorrow I am only working in the afternoons because I only have a sitter then. Great I think to myself, I can sleep until at least 7 today and tomorrow which is when my baby normally wakes up, then we will play and when he naps I will get ready for work. Well not the case. He decided just this past weekend that his new time that he wants to get up is 6am. Well that is not good for me, that one hour makes so much of a difference. Did he not get the memo that I did not have to get up that early? Oh yeah, he can't read and even if he could I have a feeling that he would not care.

He had a bad weekend. I don't know if it was his teething or late reaction to the shots on Wednesday or what. He was very clingy, whiny and basically just refused to nap until he just passed out from sheer exhaustion, which is so unlike him, he is usually such a great baby. My arms were numb from holding him and I got very little done in the way of house work because everytime I got out of his sight, he started wailing. I do not mind holding my child and cuddling him, but he doesn't want that, he wants you to hold him while he grabs any and everything that he can get his tiny little hands or feet on and he doesn't want to be sweet about it and let you sit down while you hold him. No sir, you must stand up, preferably in front of a TV playing his favorite Wiggles episodes and move back and forth. That is fine for a few minutes, but it is so tiring. Anyway I had to get ready this morning and I figured since he was awake so freaking early that he would take a nap at a decent time. So around 9 we went outside and sat in the swing and usually this puts him right to sleep. Well we swang and we swang. He got into every position that he could and he did everything to help himself stay awake. So around 9:30 I really needed to start getting myself together for work, so I put him in his exersaucer thingy and put him right in front of the bathroom door so he could hear me in the shower. I proceed to shower and he is fine at first. Then it starts, the whining, which eventually turns into wailing. VERY LOUD WAILING! I hurriedly wash my hair and jump out of the shower, wrap my towel around my dripping wet self and rush over to him. The way he was screaming I just knew that a big bear had somehow gotten into the house and must be chomping his leg off or something. Much to my surprise there was no bear, not even an ant biting him. Just screaming because he was tired I guess. SO I gave him his pacifier and tried to dry myself off so I could pick him up, but no he just kept on screaming this time louder. Still no tears, because he is not crying, just screaming. Anyway, by this time I was really starting to lose my mind. CAN"T I HAVE 30 MINUTES TO GET MYSELF READY FOR WORK WITHOUT HAVING TO PICK YOU UP AND HOLD YOU, I was thinking to myself. Then it happened, from out of no where, I SCREAMED TO THE TOP OF MY LUNGS. Just one big AARRHHHHHHH! It completely mortified my child and then he began to cry, real tears! I felt like crap. I had just gotten so frustrated! If he is so tired, why won't he just go to sleep, why must he scream for 30 minutes before he finally gives in to sleep? Anyway I quickly picked him up and rushed him into the den and turned on the freaking Wiggles and stood there in front of the TV for 30 minutes until he fell asleep. By the way he hushed after I picked him up and snuggled him to me. I cried while I held him watching the Wiggles. I feel so bad for losing my cool and screaming, but I am just so tired. I have been crying off and on since then. I don't think I am a good mommy. Good mommies don't scream at their babies, they patiently try different things until their baby is calm. I hope I have not traumatized my sweet little one. He was fine when he woke up from his 30 minute nap and he was fine when I left him with my mom to come to work. I pray everyday for patience, especially with him. I just feel like a horrible person!

Yesterday's check-up

I had to take my little one to the doctor yesterday for his 6 month check-up and the dreaded 4 shots that were due. My mother-in-law met me there with him and stayed with us until we were all done. He got a good report. He weighs 17 lbs and 13 ozs and he is 27 3/4 inches long. The doctor seemed kind of surprised that I am still breastfeeding him. Most of the moms that I know that did breastfeed had stopped for one reason or another by this age. Anyway we are still going strong there and I don't plan on stopping until we wean him at around 12 months. He praised us on the good job we were doing because my child seems so healthy. He has had the sniffles, but nothing major. I attribute his wellness to the fact that he does not go to daycare and is very rarely around a lot of children and I am sure that the breastfeeding helps. He has only been to the doctor for his check-ups and shots. (Yes Kelly I am knocking on wood...do you hear me?) I also attribute the lack of doctor's visits on the fact that he has a great nurse that works for him. All she does all day long is handle phone calls from parents and she lets you know whether you need to bring your child in or if it is something that needs to be treated at home. I have had many conversations with her over the past 6 months, but thank goodness nothing that I called for was serious enough to warrant a visit to the office. She is really a great asset to his practice. Anyway, he gave us the okay to start #2 foods, which opens the door to much more variety. My little boy enjoys eating and I want to teach him to like a variety of foods, healthy foods. He wasn't feeling well today, I guess from the shots. He was kind of snuggly and just wanted to be held this morning, so I held him as long as I could. I am sure my mother-in-law will spend a good part of her day holding him. I am so glad that I did not have to put him in daycare. My mother-in-law has been such a blessing.

Saving the best for last

I am a very picky eater. I always have been. I do eat a variety of foods, but some things I just don't like and there is no compromising. I don't like mayonaisse, however I will eat it in tuna salad and chicken salad. I don't want it slathered all over my sandwich or on anything else. I don't eat potatoe salad or cole slaw. I also don't eat baked beans. So when I go to a cook out I basically eat the meat and chips. Friday at our little Mother's Day luncheon we had chicken strips, potatoe salad, green beans, and banana pudding. I had a few chicken strips and some banana pudding, thank goodness noone really noticed or else I would have had to explain that I don't eat potatoe salad or green beans. I don't complain when I go to someone else's house to eat. I just choose to eat the things I like, I don't ask for everyone to accomodate me. When I was married the first time my mother-in-law would call me the night before we were to have dinner with them and ask me what I wanted to eat. My current mother-in-law cooks a variety of things when she cooks so I don't have that problem at her house. I also hate tomatoes, which most people just can't understand. I like lettuce, but I don't want it on my hamburger, it makes it soggy!

I also eat things in a strange way. Everyday for lunch I eat a sandwich on toasted bread on my lunch break at work. I normally eat turkey, but occassionally I will eat peanut butter. Anyway I eat a sandwich because I can scarf it down on the 7 minute drive to go see my baby. That way I don't have to spend my time with him trying to feed myself. I always start with the top of the bread and I eat all the way around the edges and then I eat the middle. I also eat my pop tarts and hamburgers that way. I eat my hotdogs by starting at one end and then going to the other end and then eating the middle. My family sometimes makes fun of me for the way I eat, but I don't care. It is just one of those things that makes me unique. Anyway what is wrong with saving the best part of my food for last?

Happy Mother's Day

Okay it is almost here, Mother's Day. I hope you all have at least mailed your mom a card and if you have children I hope they do something wonderful for you. My sweet little angel did something wonderful for me last night, an early Mother's Day gift. He said his first word! Guess what it was??? You give up? It was Mama. HOORAY! We were in the car and he was just sort of babbling and oohing and cooing and I said Mom-ma and he repeated it. Several times, very clearly. I started crying, it was so sweet. I love my little one so much. Until you have a baby you never realize how much you can completely love another soul.

I also got another gift today. My wonderful boss and his wife provided lunch for us and then a 15 minute chair massage. Have you ever had a chair massage? Well I haven't ever had any sort of professional massage and I am here to tell you it was wonderful. You sit in this special massage chair and then get your massage, you leave all of your clothes on for it too. She massaged my back, arms, head, fingers and hands for 15 minutes. It really was great. She is an instructor at one of the local Institutes and she is really good at her job. Anyway once again I will say, I just love my boss and my job!

Have a Happy Mother's Day and a wonderful weekend!

Excuse Me?

Hello America! Is anyone there? I just have one thing to say about last night's American Idol, WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED? How could America send Chris home? He was by far the best person on the show. Now don't get me wrong, I do NOT watch all of these reality shows or even much t.v. at all, but I started watching this one last year and enjoyed it, so I watched it again this year. I think I am done watching. I really don't care who wins now. I think Ryan was happy to tell Chris that he was going home. As a matter of fact I don't care for Ryan either, he is cheesy! Anyway I just had to sound off about this, it is really bugging me. I wonder if people just didn't vote because they thought he was gonna win. Well people, he can't win if you don't vote for him. Let me confess though and say that I did not get to vote Tuesday because I did not get to watch the show, so I did not know what number he was. I think he deserves a re-vote. Hopefully we will hear from him again. I will be waiting for his CD.

Update on the sleep thing: My baby went to sleep at 8:30 last night and I heard him at around 2 this morning, but he wasn't crying and a few minutes later he was quiet and asleep. He slept until nearly 6 am and then he breasfed and went right back to sleep until time for me to leave for work. Could this be the beginning of something wonderful??? I sure hope so.

Spend the night with me

I have been having a lot of bad days lately. Yesterday I even toyed with the idea of calling my doctor and asking to be put back on anti-depressants. That is one of those things that I don't want to do. I really want to be able to handle my life's struggles without the help of a daily dose of feel good medicine. Don't get me wrong, there was a time when I could not face the day without them, but I have gotten over that now and I really don't want to go back. I have been very proud of myself for being off of the pills for my entire pregnancy and the six months following. Let me just stop here before I get all the hate mail and say there is nothing wrong with taking anti-depressants, if you need them. I just don't want to need them. My post is going down the wrong track, so let me get it back on track here. I think the reason for my moodiness, irritability, tiredness and general bitchiness (for lack of a better word) is sleep deprivation. I read all about it during my pregnancy and vowed that would never happen to me. But you know what they say, never say never. I have not had a good night's sleep in more than 8 months. The last 2 months of my pregnancy it was so hard for me to even roll over in bed that I spent half the night trying to get comfy anf the other half getting up to pee. Anyway here is how I spent last night.

8:30pm- baby is asleep

10:30pm- I am asleep

1:00am- baby is awake and crying. I go to him and try to find his pacifier. It is lost in his bed, the next closest one is in the kitchen. I pick up the baby and feed him. After about 15 minutes he is peacefully asleep again. I tiptoe into the kitchen and get a pacifier and go back to his room and lay him down with pacifier in mouth. Before I can go back to bed I have to go to the bathroom.

1:30am- I am asleep again

5:05am- hubby's first alarm goes off

5:15am hubby's second alarm goes off

5:20am hubby's third alarm goes off, thank goodness he gets up this time. By this time I am awake!

5:50am- baby is awake, he is not crying yet, but if no action is taken he will be wide awake soon. I go to him and give him his pacifier and he does drift back off to sleep.

6:05am- my alarm goes off, might as well get up, hubby is blow drying his hair, who can sleep through that?

8 hours of uninterrupted sleep would be a nice Mother's Day gift. When I complain about the baby waking up, I get questions and advice from everyone. I will give you a few of the most common ones: Are you giving him cereal? Yes he eats cereal at supper time as well as almost 2 jars of baby food as well as breastmilk right before he goes to sleep. On to the next one, just let him cry it out. Well that may be an option, but he will cry until he makes himself sick if someone does not at least go into his room and give him a pacifier and let him know he is not alone. Besides just knowing that my child needs comforting and no one is there to comfort him just breaks my heart. Most nights I do try to just give him the pacifier and not feed him, sometimes that works, but other times he spits out the pacifier and starts crying again. I guess if I am going to be up I might as well feed him. Some nights he does sleep until 4 or 4:30 before he wakes up, those are my favorite, most restful nights. I know, like everything else this too shall pass, I just hope I can hang on until then.

The day from, well you guessed it...

This is shaping up to be such a wonderful day. The outfit I had picked put and ironed to wear to work didn't feel right, so I had to rethink my outfit at the last minute. No really at the every last minute, I had already strapped the baby in the carseat and loaded all of out stuff in the car and I ran back inside, found a pair of pants that did not have to be ironed and threw them on as I was running out the door. I got to work in plenty of time, I was proud of myself. Normally I get here right on time, without a minute to spare. I hate to be so rushed, but it seems most mornings that something always happens to make me run a little late.

I went to lunch and breatfed by sweet little angel and got to spend some good quality time with him (best part of the whole day, so far). I took my cell phone in with me in case my hubby called (since he knows it is my lunchtime and all). Anyway it was time to go, so I kissed my little punkin' goodbye and headed out for my 7 minute trek back to the office. Well I had barely gotten out of the neighborhood, when I realized that I forgot my cellphone. Honestly, it wasn't a big deal. It isn't like I am so important that I can't be without it, but I started thinking all the what if's... What if I have a flat tire on the way to work? What if a crazy person runs me off the road this afternoon? What if a deranged stalker is following me and I have no way to call the cops? So I did a u-turn and went back and got my phone. Better safe than sorry. Being better safe also made me 2 minutes late getting back to the office!

Then once I get here, our part-time employee asks me if I stamped (with postage) the statements that he was supposed to get ready to mail yesterday. Can you see where this is heading??? I, with a look of sheer disbelief, turn to him and say what statements? Certainly not the stack of them in our outgoing mail, which by the way the mailman picked up this morning. Yeah that would be the statements complete with checks from April. Not only are they not stamped, they are not sealed! So at that moment, I just wanted to scream and cry, but I have done well to contain my anger. WHY WOULD YOU PUT MAIL THAT ISN'T READY TO BE MAILED IN THE OUTGOING PILE? I have unsuccessfully tried to reach our post office so maybe I can go and pick up this pile of mail and get it sealed and stamped and try to mail it again tomorrow. I have to tell my boss about this screw-up and I am so dreading it. Maybe if I cry, he won't get mad at me. I know I am responsible for the front office, but should I have to go back and check all the outgoing mail for postage? Another thing, this person does this same thing EVERY MONTH when we mail out statements, so why now would he decide to majorly screw it up???

On top of all of that I am still cramping and bleeding heavily. I wonder if that is why I have been a little light-headed at times today? I am praying that tomorrow is a better day. If nothing else, tomorrow is FRIDAY!

Update, I finally got in touch with the post office and our mail carrier is coming back by here on his way home to bring our mail back to us. I will bake him some cookies tonight!!! I am saved from the wrath of the growly bear!

Roly Poly

My little one is a roly poly now. He started rolling over last Sunday all by himself. He has been trying for a few weeks now and he finally mastered it. He has been rolling from front to back for a month or more, but he has not been able to get from back to front. He would get almost over and then get frustrated and give up. So Sunday morning I put him on a blanket in the floor and I got down there with him and he did it, he rolled over. I just clapped and told him how great that was and he just kept doing it. Now you can put him in the floor and he will roll or scoot all the way around the room. He hasn't yet mastered the art of being able to get where he wants to go, but I am sure that will be coming next. I know I say it all the time, but he is so awesome. I just love him so much.

On another note, he still hasn't gotten teeth yet. He has had a few really bad days because of teething, but no white caps yet. I will let you know as soon as he gets them though.

Excuse me while I whine...

I am in much pain today. My period came back yesterday. I have not had a monthly visitor since I got pregnant, like last February. So it started yesterday and it is truly making up for lost time. I am cramping so badly that I just want to double over and cry. I did just that this morning before I decided that I really needed to get dressed for work. I contemplated calling in today, but I knew my boss would be out most of the day today, so I sucked it up and came in. I had ironed a really cute outfit to wear today, but I was feeling yucky so I wore something that looks like I feel. Maybe tomorrow I will feel like wearing the cute outfit, but today I don't feel very cute. Today I feel crampy and bloated and easily irritated. How I wish I was at home in the bed snuggled up with my baby in my nice cozy p.j.'s. OH BOO HOO!!!!!!!!!!

6 random things about me...

I have been tagged by Kelly, so here goes.

1. I wear cotton undies. Not big granny panties, but low-rise briefs. I can't stand undies up my butt so these are comfy for me. I only wear the cutesy silky ones for my hubby and as soon as it is over I put my comfy ones back on.

2. I have not had a happy pill (anti0depressant) since I found out I was pregnant. Sometimes I long for the "don't give a sh*t feeling" that they gave me, but I am trying to deal with things on my own without the help of meds.

3. I am so scared that I am going to screw up my child! Maybe that is a fear that every parent has, but it wakes me up some nights.

4. I do NOT want any more children. I am perfectly happy with the ones that I have, even though I only gave birth to one of them, I feel like the other one is mine too. So I have no desire to be pregnant or go through the whole c-section thing again.

5. I love my job! More than that I love the guy that I work for. Not in a sexual way, but he is a really great guy and he looks out for me. He has been wonderful to me through the years.

6. I am disappointed in myself for never graduating from college. I always changed majors or gave up when it got too difficult. Maybe one day I will go back and get my degree. Hmmm, what do I want to be when I grow up.

Now do you feel like you know me any better???

Sleeping in your bed

My little one is growing up so fast right before my very eyes. Unfortunaltely they don't stay little forever. He has been having some problem sleeping the past month or more and we were convinced that it was the teething. He had gotten to the point that he would sleep for a 6-7 hour stretch at night before waking up to nurse. Well the past few weeks he has gotten back into the habit of waking every 3-4 hours to eat. That just wasn't working for my hubby and I, since we both work. So he had a bad night last Thursday and woke up several times and then woke up at 5 a.m. Friday whining, not wanting to eat and just really discontent. I was crying, he was crying my hubby was fussing about him not sleeping and we made the decision to put him in his own room that night. So, I was off work on Friday and I spent some of the day preparing his bedroom for its new occupant. I put his favorite blanket in his bed and removed all of the toys and stuffed animals. I put the monitor on his little nightstand and made sure it was working properly. After his bath when he was getting sleepy, I took him into his room and turned on his lamp and nursed him, while we rocked he drifted off to sleep. I picked him up and kissed him softly and placed him in his crib. He stirred a little bit and grabbed his blankie and snuggled into it and sighed and he was off to dreamland. I turned off his lamp and closed his door, making sure to leave it open enough so that I could peek in on him. I went back to my bedroom and cried, looking at his empty pack n' play, where he had been sleeping. Hubby was very comforting, for he too missed him being right beside our bed, but we both knew it was time. For our sanity's sake it was time. Hubby and I had a great night, we lay on our bed and talked, something that we have not done since my son was born. It was so nice, I felt like my old self again. It is really hard to describe. We all survived the night. He did not wake up for the first time until 4 am and I fed him and he went right back to sleep. Then I heard him whining at 6 am and I went in and gave him his pacifier and he went back to sleep and slept until 8 am. It was wonderful. He seemed to be more rested when he woke up and so was I. Hopefully he will be sleeping through the night soon, but for now he is sleeping longer and I will take all the sleep that I can get.

Here comes Peter Cottontail...

Yes, yes it is Easter time again. We have been busy giving the Easter bunny ideas for our kids baskets. It is hard to put together an Easter basket for a 5 month old. He doesn't care one bit about Easter to him it will be just another day. Easter baskets are a tradition, so he too will get one this year and every year until he is grown, maybe even after then. My hubby and I decided not to do baskets for each other this year. Honestly I do not have the time or money to put into putting one together for him. I may still get him a few small things, if I have time. I know I say it all the time, but since I have become a full-time mommy and work full-time I barely have time to shave my legs, much less shop for anything other than groceries. Don't get me wrong I LOVE being a mommy and I have a wonderful baby boy, but life is so much more busy now. We have to plan our outings around nap-time and feedings. Anyway, I digress. The reason for this post is to tell everyone to have a Happy Easter. Also remember the real reason for the holiday and give thanks. Don't eat too many peeps and chocolate bunnies. HAPPY EASTER!!!

Happy Birthday

Well it happened. While I peacefully slept on Saturday night, it happened. It snuck in as quiet as a mouse. I turned 30. Really I don't feel any different. I had a great birthday party Friday night. I got lots of good gifts, new clothes and shoes and money to buy some more new clothes. Since I have had the baby I have lost so much weight that hardly none of my pre-pregnancy clothes fit me. I am not complaining, just in dire need of clothes that fit me. Most of the time I end up wearing clothes that are 2 sizes too big. you do what you have to do to get by. I went shopping Saturday and got 2 new outfits, which I just love. I have more money to spend, but the weather was so nasty here that I just wanted to go home. Maybe I can find time to go shopping again this week. I was a little disappointed on my birthday. None of my three sisters called to tell me Happy Birthday. I did get about a 2 minute phone call from my mom at 5:30 in the afternoon and a phone call from a long lost cousin that I haven't seen since my baby shower last fall. She hasn't even seen my precious baby. She doesn't answer the phone when I call and she doesn't return calls, so I finally gave up on her. I don't have time for people who don't have time for me. Anywho that is another rant for another time. Just wanted to let you know that I survived my 30th birthday.

Busy, Busy, Busy......

I am still here. I have just been so busy lately. My office assistant apparently quit about 2 weeks ago. Well I guess you could say she quit. She worked on Monday, she called in sick on Tuesday after the cash drawer was more than $50.00 short, then she called the boss Wednesday to say that she would be here, but she would be late because she had a parent/teacher conference. Well she just never showed up. So the boss said she was no longer employed here. I promptly packed up her things and had them sent to the basement. We still have not heard from her. This girl had worked here for more than 6 months. She was here while I was on maternity leave and she did a great job, until I got back to work. I think she thought because she had a little more responsibility while I was out, that it would continue when I came back, but she could not handle my job. First off she was extremely unprofessional and secondly people just didn't like her as much as they like me. So oh well, I am glad that she is gone, she was totally doing a bad job and she was out all the time for one thing or another. Anywho I spent last week interviewing for a replacement and I found one. She is awesome. She is doing such a great job! I try to make sure to tell her that everyday too. I believe that praise makes you do a better job, and I am all about doing a better job. So things are finally going better at the office. I have been training her this week and hopefully by next week I will have her trained on the most important things.

On the homefront things are great too. My baby is growing by leaps and bounds everyday. He will be 5 months old on Friday. He still isn't rolling over yet, but we practice almost every night. He is such a good baby for the most part, he has his moments though when he just comes unglued. We can't all be good all the time. When he looks at you and smiles and reaches out his little arms to you it makes it all worth while. My hubby has been busy getting ready for my birthday, which is Sunday. We are having a small party with his family on Friday and with my family next Saturday. I still can't believe that I will be 30! I am trying not to stress about it. Age is just a number it is how you feel on the inside that counts.

Welcome to Motherhood

Okay I think I am putting hte story of me on hold for a while. The reason for this pause is that I just don't have time to put that much thought into my posting right now. You know I have a new, well he is 4 1/2 months old, baby, and work and things at home are hectic with hubby working an extra little part-time job to help pay off Christmas and the new baby. Anywho I just don't have time to sit down and think out my posts for the story of me and trust me they need to be thought out. So back to my regular posts for now and periodically maybe I will do another chapter in The Story of Me series. How about that?

I am really tired today. My sweet little angel had his 4 month old check-up complete with 4 shots on Friday. He weighs 16 lbs and 10 ozs and he is 27 inches long! Yes he is a big boy. He cried for a minute after his shots until I picked him up, then he was okay. He is such a trooper, I hope he stays like that. The shots have made him cranky this weekend. A cranky baby is no fun! He had some good moments, but for the most part he was cranky. Last night he decided that he did not want to sleep, well I am pretty sure that he did not decide it, but something was preventing him from getting his normal sleep. He was asleep by 9:30 and awake at 11:30 and I nursed him and he went back to sleep, so did I. He woke up again at 1:30, I tried to nurse him, that usually puts him right back to sleep. He finally went back to sleep by about 2. Then guess what? He woke up again at 4 am. By this time I am so ill, I just want to cry too. Nothing really comforted him, none of the usual things. He just was not going back to sleep. So we stayed up, despite my pleading with him to please go back to sleep for Mommy just until 6 am, then we could both get up and play while I got ready for work. Pleading with a 4 month old is a lost cause! So, I put him in his exersaucer thing in front of cartoons while I did some things in the kitchen. I might as well take advantage of the extra hour that I had this morning before I had to be at work. Anyway I am tired and ill today, but when I went to see my sweet little angel at lunch he was feeling much better after his 4 HOUR power nap! I wish I could take a 4 HOUR power nap, but the phone will n ot stop ringing for me to take a 4 minute nap, so oh well. I was telling one of my co-workers, who has 2 of her own about it and she looks at me and smiles and says, "Welcome to motherhood."

The Story of Me- Part 2

Okay it is time for part 2 of the story of me. It is very hard to know what to write about. I won't bore you with details of starting kindergarten, which I really don't remember anyway, or of my first few years at school. I will fast forward from newborn to the next major event in my life, the death of my dad. I have written about it before and it is a painful thing for me, but it is part of my life, so here goes. I don't remember when he was diagnosed, I am sure that I wasn't told. After all how do you tell an 8 year old that her dad is dying of cancer. I guess the easy thing to do is just not talk about it, and that was how my mom decided to handle this with me anyway. I am sure that my older sisters knew. M was 16 and T was 19, I don't know if D knew right away or not she was only 10, she turned 11 the month before he died. My memories of my dad are so fleeting, I look back at pictures trying to remember, but even that isn't working anymore. I have a few memories that I will cherish forever. He was the one who nicknamed me Sam-bo. That nickname stuck and my sisters and neices still call me that.

He had a lot of good days and he was at home for most of his illness. He had a few stays in the hospital, which we went to go see him faithfully. He called us every night to tell us goodnight. I remember one Easter we got all dressed up, went to church and then to the hospital so dad could see us in our Easter dresses. I also remember the last time I saw him alive. It was on a Saturday and he was in the hospital. They had called the family in, at the time I did not know that, but I realize now that was why everyone was there. Anyway my mom had taken us to see dad and my granny came and picked up D and I to spend the night with her so my mom could stay with my dad. He looked awful. He was in and out of it, his skin looked yellow. It was scary as a child to see your parent like that. We did not stay long. My granny took us to her apartment and we spent the night and the phone rang the next morning and before my granny answered it I told her that dad had died. Sure enough it was my mom calling to tell my granny. I don't even remember crying, although I am sure that I did. The next few days are all a blur. There were so many people at our house and we had to go to the viewing at the funeral home. I don't remember ever going to a funeral home before that it was weird, everyone talking in hushed tones, asking you how you are. Your deceased father laying stiff in a coffin. Things an 8 year old should not have to deal with, things I still don't hink I have really dealt with. I just keep it pushed far back in my mind and every now and then I will let it get to me.

The funeral was even more surreal and then there was the graveside service (burial). I remember standing there and the school bus going by and I wished I was on it. It was wierd to go back to school. We had missed a few days and everyone just kind of looked at you like something was wrong when we went back. People treated me different, for a little while anyway. Children don't know how to deal with death. Things at home were different too. My dad was gone, sudddenly mom was a single parent, raising us by herself. So she moved my granny in next door to help her out. Shortly after my granny moved in I moved in with her. I had it made at my granny's. I had her undivided attention and I had my own room and my own phone and my own TV, what else could an 8 year old want. It was a good thing that I moved in with granny, after my dad's death my mom decided that she wanted to relive her teenage days. You see she was married at 16 and a mommy by 17, so she did not get to live out her wild teenege days. Anyway I was very glad to have my grandmother to help raise me, she sheltered me from a lot.

The Story of Me-Part 1

On April 9, 1976 a woman heads to the hospital to have her baby, already past her due date she is ready to give birth. After an induction and the doctor breaking her water and many grueling hours of labor a sweet baby girl makes her appearance. The proud mom and dad decide to name her Samantha Carol. Samantha was a name the dad liked, it was the name of a little girl on a detergent commercial. Carol was mom's sister's middle name. And so it was decided, her name will be Samantha Carol and they will call her Sam. Little Sam weighed 8 lbs 5 ozs and was 20.5 inches long, she wasn't so little after all! She had blue eyes and a little smattering of brown hair. She will be the last child for these parents. Daughter number 4, she was the last great hope for a boy in the family. Oh well, no boy, hope they aren't too disappointed! She was also the biggest of all the children, yes the mom has often made the comment when telling the story that if little Sam had been born first, she would have been an only child. After a few days in the hospital she was released to go home to the little farm house on the outskirts of town. Her sisters were excited to have a new baby. Well not really excited, but she was accepted, because after all she was there to stay! And stay she did, she lived in that little farm house for 27 years. There I go getting ahead of myself, that part will come later.

There is the story of my birth. I find it easier to write in third person, hope that doesn't confuse anyone!

The big one is coming...

In one month (well one month and one day) I will be thirty. Yes the big 3 0! I remember when that seemed so OLD! Now that is me, I will officially go from the twentysomethings to the thirtysomethings. I don't really think I am having a hard time with it, not yet anyway. That could all change though. Anyway I thought for the month leading up to my birthday I would recount my life and look back on the milestones that have made me who I am today. When I was younger I would sit and ponder why things happened to me, then I realized that all the things that have happened in my life brought me to where I am today and shaped me into the person that I am. If anything would have been different the course of my life could have been forever changed. If you haven't seen the movie Sliding Doors with Gwyneth Paltrow, rent it this weekend. It is an older movie, but it shows how different one minute can make things. Get prepared to walk down memory lane with me for the next month, hopefully it will be fun and enlightening.